IT’S A SPELL BEGINNING “ALL MY LIFE”
All my life,
since I was ten,
I’ve been waiting
to be in
this hell here
with you;
all I’ve ever
wanted, and
still do.
– Alice Notley
All my life
I’ve been evacuating this tunnel
climbing onto a moonbeam
All my life
I have been creating the universe
stepping onto a soap box
to tell you about it, call it out
make patterns and aberrations visible
What does it mean to step into a room?
You are a woman, you said
drama of knowing
the universe owes nothing to you
and is your fault
Under tinsel, flower song
beat is a foolish narrative
& so in this world I go like a dash
like horizons go, like horizontal
Real-life bedside beauty of the author
“I exist… I exist…”
What if you’re visible?
§
what is the occasion for the poem
what is its purpose
a call to action
a response
i am in need of a prayer
why here
i am searching
a recitative to say
the contemporary moment
its shortfalls, mistakes
a correction
§
“All attachments are optimistic”
– Lauren Berlant
What were my expectations
happiness is something, someone
nouns not logical
Intuit all of this when I say
my first time: he left the next day
called Valentine’s and announced
that he might have given me a disease
had to wait to find out I had nothing
not even you
not even
Valentine’s Day
Why I fall in love
every
time
follows concern you’ll leave or you’ll call
“A sudden change of heart”
You left and brought in someone else to hold me
and I didn’t want to be held
I cried to drown out
all my expectations of this world
§
MY FEMINISM
My feminism is a poem that I am still learning how to write
seated in the front row at a Knicks game beside Jay-Z
My feminism marches with a Puritan hat to reflect the current political crisis
laments the citrus pallor of the unfortunate elite
outs the Weinsteins
keeps it poly; is on the prowl for a revolutionary monogamy
Wonders how much climate change science we’ll never know
stats and counts, sex partners, lack of financial and
ideological support for the CDC
Thinks about exercise, about that first Wall Street Woman on the trader floor
empathized with Rhonda Rousey when she lost, loves Sonya Sotomayor,
admires Kamala Harris
My feminism supports the #Nashvillefeminists
the radical faeries in Cannon County, Tennessee; Danica Roem, Andrea
Jenkins
Virginie Despentes, Paul Preciado, and Sylvia Federici
My feminism says that domesticity does not mean submission
and that the home is not the only way women can impact society
Writes “there are no monuments to Hitler in Germany
so why should there be monuments to racists in the United States?”
A monument. a civic totem to invite celebration
Fretted over being too light, too casual in a text message, but can you hear
me now
#Yesallwomen should call their local reps and vote in the midterm elections
or not, say why, suggest an alternative, hold space; deny resources to the
oppressor
bodies and voices #Yesallwomen can take space
hit the club in their favorite threads, take to the streets, be who and what
they want
dance, scream with righteous pleasure and unconcern
don’t bow down, won’t bow down
will trust the process enough and shout with raucous satisfaction
We are here!
§
TOTAL ECLIPSE/SETTING INTENTIONS
I will let in nature
I will find the strength of my ancestors within myself
I will demand reciprocity in transactions pertaining to the heart
I will cultivate safety for the just and good
I will not provide resources to the oppressor
I will listen to the needs and actions of my protectors
I will strive to emulate their strength
I will prioritize my journey before the journeys of others
I will state my needs with wisdom, humor, and grace
I will love myself as much as I love my neighbors
§
is it possible
to have an easy relationship
under patriarchy?
§
THE APARTMENT
if i had a dollar for every lie you said
i’d be able to buy you a one way ticket to the bermuda triangle
and redact you with the sea
c.a. conrad writes, “don’t be a coward with love.”
don’t be a coward with my love
now
here
arlen, i tried to pull away and now you’ve got it
beside the river where flaming pyres burned, small boats downstream
you turned and said “isn’t it amazing?”
i giddily took pictures of you again and again alongside fires
smiling beside a public sculpture of a blue teddy bear by urs fischer
smiling next to the river holding your dog
holding red balloons downtown while chasing your dog
we ate oysters together on the couch because i looked impressed on
command
because you split each one open so carefully
handed them to me one by one explaining so clearly: “i know it may seem
like she and i are still together, but we’re not.”
to be seemingly everyman’s escape from monogamy
solo transience
in THE APARTMENT, fran kubelick says
“i’ve got it all down now like a record…music to string her along by”
i sat and watched the movie alone in my apartment one night, eating
mouthful after mouthful of chocolate ice cream
human resources director encourages her to believe nothing ever happened
it didn’t happen
did it happen?
you are so silent now
these photos
a pair of glasses i wore to see WONDER WOMAN with you in 3D, my giddy
laughter
penetrated every seat
absurd and hyperbolically powerful
frowns and stammers revoked, my arched back and bent toes
it never happened
did it ever happen?
if it didn’t happen, then why am i now
so sad
§
OBJECTS GO VISIBLE/YOU ARE YOU ARE
like a hand flicking under water
solo dancer wiggles beneath sparkling silver ladder
women wearing capes and masks
holding a sign that says
TAKE NOTICE
THE REVOLUTION WILL BE FEMALE
i turned to space out the car window
and looked back to you
why do women stop making art
and become invisible
how not to become invisible
“i feel invisible”
you got quiet, then turned away from the wheel to me
to feign surprise
“what if you’re visible?”
sometimes when i don’t feel like writing
all of the words that i would write
pass across my face
distractions like study of aesthetics
fear of failure
can it be the same as a fear of the ground
§
AN UNWITTING MATRIARCH
because you indulged in feeling
to want same cultural context as you
not to get married in your thirties
let home become a public gathering place
dive out of middle class economics
domestic shattered
matriarchy don’t see me as a stranger
view of state property ripped out of utopia
into the dark northeast
after a forever fire
the cars parked outside ad infinitum
sun through eclipse
sees me somewhere new
daybreak, somewhere new
helen of troy, how to explain why i know you
the battles and arguments about you
why plymouth rock sits inside a cage
a reassessment choice
amidst the glaciers melting
to rise, love someone new
agree, disagree with something new
she made an emotional decision to like the thing
and to lose every time
there are no decisions besides emotional ones
to choose to care about it, you would love it so
spoken differently to distill an experience
to remind you of rome, a palace with windows and a library
converted into a nest for me and all of my complex emotions
awash in red velvet on maren’s sofa
beneath the coxcomb that you gave me, xander
on the eighth of september
because i was brave